Have you ever had an experience that makes you feel like you’ve just had the rug pulled out from under you? Maybe it was a hurtful experience, or a shocking experience, or maybe a revelation about your life that just seemed to come out of left field.
We generally move through childhood believing what we are told by our parents because, after all, why would we not believe them? It’s a well-believed thought that they know more about us than anyone, and why would we think that we would not be told the truth?
All of this is generally true, until you consider the life of an adopted child, which is often enshrouded in mystery and secrecy. There again, the child is left with no choice but to believe, or at least accept, what they are told by social workers or the adoptive parents. You grow up with all the usual questions: Who am I? Where did I come from? Who is my family? While these questions are not really an issue for most families, for the adopted child it stems from a deeper curiosity of wondering “Why was I given away? Who are my ‘real’ parents? Didn’t they love me? Why didn’t they want me anymore?” Within that child is a very real need to know.
It’s up to the adoptive parents whether to be honest with this child about the details of the adoption, or to sugar-coat the situation, or to just avoid the questions altogether! Each choice has lifetime consequences in the life of that child. If you are honest with the child, the child learns to trust and knows that you care and understand about his or her feelings. If you sugar-coat the situation, and the truth comes out later, then the adopted child feels that maybe their whole life was a lie. For the adoptive parents to avoid the questions, leaves a child wondering, “What is wrong with me? Why CAN’T I talk about my ‘real’ parents? Why are there secrets about my adoption? Was I bad? Were they bad?’” The questions that go through a child’s mind are endless.
When those answers come to light later in life, and they are different from the answers that were given throughout the life of the child – chaos reigns within that child, even as an adult. It can be a very overwhelming experience to find out that you aren’t at all the person you thought you were. It doesn’t really change your character or your personal integrity, or even who you really are inside, but it changes how you look at yourself, and once again, it creates more questions than answers.
Transitions can be good, or they can be bad. Sometimes they are neither good nor bad - they’re just transitions. Life is full of transitions, and how we handle them, no matter how much they may shake our world, is important to our well-being. Can we stand strong, in spite of the often overwhelming changes these transitions bring to our lives, or will we cave in to what seems like an absolute shattering of everything we have ever known or believed.
The choice is very personal and differs with each individual, but it’s a choice that will have lifetime consequences.
We generally move through childhood believing what we are told by our parents because, after all, why would we not believe them? It’s a well-believed thought that they know more about us than anyone, and why would we think that we would not be told the truth?
All of this is generally true, until you consider the life of an adopted child, which is often enshrouded in mystery and secrecy. There again, the child is left with no choice but to believe, or at least accept, what they are told by social workers or the adoptive parents. You grow up with all the usual questions: Who am I? Where did I come from? Who is my family? While these questions are not really an issue for most families, for the adopted child it stems from a deeper curiosity of wondering “Why was I given away? Who are my ‘real’ parents? Didn’t they love me? Why didn’t they want me anymore?” Within that child is a very real need to know.
It’s up to the adoptive parents whether to be honest with this child about the details of the adoption, or to sugar-coat the situation, or to just avoid the questions altogether! Each choice has lifetime consequences in the life of that child. If you are honest with the child, the child learns to trust and knows that you care and understand about his or her feelings. If you sugar-coat the situation, and the truth comes out later, then the adopted child feels that maybe their whole life was a lie. For the adoptive parents to avoid the questions, leaves a child wondering, “What is wrong with me? Why CAN’T I talk about my ‘real’ parents? Why are there secrets about my adoption? Was I bad? Were they bad?’” The questions that go through a child’s mind are endless.
When those answers come to light later in life, and they are different from the answers that were given throughout the life of the child – chaos reigns within that child, even as an adult. It can be a very overwhelming experience to find out that you aren’t at all the person you thought you were. It doesn’t really change your character or your personal integrity, or even who you really are inside, but it changes how you look at yourself, and once again, it creates more questions than answers.
Transitions can be good, or they can be bad. Sometimes they are neither good nor bad - they’re just transitions. Life is full of transitions, and how we handle them, no matter how much they may shake our world, is important to our well-being. Can we stand strong, in spite of the often overwhelming changes these transitions bring to our lives, or will we cave in to what seems like an absolute shattering of everything we have ever known or believed.
The choice is very personal and differs with each individual, but it’s a choice that will have lifetime consequences.
